Actually more like Altocelarophobia and Conventions.. why do I even try?
The title is weird, I know. It could probably be easily read as some sort of disdain for conventions themselves, but after this weekend I just need to talk this over and frankly just fucking whine about it.. I think it's called "Venting". But let it be known, this is a subject that means a lot to me, and I'm not in that great of a mood with this journal, so please, if you wish to communicate, be considerate..
So how do I even begin... Well.. I guess just start with what needs to be said and then I'll move on to the reason why I'm writing this.. Now I've talked a lot about this issue of mine on an image I uploaded:
Read the pic description.. I'm not looking for "cures". I'm not asking for suggestions on "wear a hat" and anything else I've thought of in the 30+ years having this problem.. I've heard it all and it's pretty much anything I can do but just delete comments that make such suggestions... And just like the image, I'm not looking for asspats on this. I simply need to talk about this issue with conventions.. Well.. with me..
Basically I have a messed up phobia where high ceilings are terrifying things, triggering vertigo, anxiety, falling feelings, and I tend to have nightmares afterwards. In a nutshell, large -inside- spaces like theaters, warehouses, malls, convention centers, places like that are a harrowing experience rather than a carefree stroll. It's a feeling of falling towards the open space, the void. But all the details of this problem is in that image link, including any derps thinking "get over it" is an option when really if anyone happens to somehow think I haven't tried to get this problem fixed... (I've had this problem for as long as I can remember, it's basically a part of who I am, so the answer to that is no..)
Anyway so .. this year I went to a local con to scope it out, make sure it wasn't too huge of a place, and while it did have some high ceiling spots that I had to dodge around (or just to get in I had close my eyes and hold on to :linkarcadefever:'s arm for dear life while being guided through those areas) I did have fun and started to make plans for next year, actually go, get a table, draw and just enjoy the local con for the sake of it because it was a very fun con.. maybe even make some friends, meet artists, see panels, you know.. that convention stuff .. But hey, just so happens.. it JUST so happens.. that I got to see this convention once and lo and behold, as conventions do, it needs to grow and move to a larger convention center, one with even more obnoxiously high ceilings. By next year.. So I'm basically out of luck.. I can't go, and that's final. I was looking forward to it. Folks need to have bigger and bigger places to go.. I really hope everyone cherishes all that wasted space above their heads...
The thing is.. I don't blame the convention. I'm just.. I wish I could explain it. I mean, I do, but not like.. finger point blaming "It's your fault". I blame them in that they are moving to a larger building.. That IS happening, I can blame them on that. But they do what they have to do. It's just amazing timing.. And it's the ONE local con.. The proper blame is on me for my messed up phobia.
It's not the first time I've been really looking forward to a con only to get the wind knocked out of my sails.. It's like the ONE time I went to Anthrocon. Just so happens THAT year that I got to go, they had moved the whole dealers area to what was practically an airplane hangar sized room.. It was to say the least too damn huge. While wandering about, the group I was with got to briefly meet Uncle Kage, the guy who runs AC. It was mentioned that the convention was at a really huge place. He joked about it, agreeing with it all and was quite proud of it. And then there was me with my phobia.. I had rode in a car across several states to suddenly find I was unable to attend the con itself.. Disappointed was hardly the words.. I was about to pipe up and say "Well, it's too big for me." because by that time I had decided I just couldn't go in, when he just up and made it known quite clearly that "And if anyone tells me it's too big, I'm gonna kick their butt." He said it jokingly, and there was no way for him to know, but in all honesty for someone like me and the fact that I was about to tell the truth, it was a huge turn off to even say anything at all after that.. I don't blame him or anything, it's just that that's honestly what happened. And most of the time when I mention this to anyone they tend to jump to Kage's defense. Seriously, nobody has to. It's just literally what happened, and well.. I have a perspective too.. It sucked, okay?
I just feel so trapped by this. I'm sick of it. When I found out that the local convention was moving to a place too big, I broke down. I gave up. It was a nail in the coffin, so to speak. It was pretty much this finalized checkbox on the list of things I'll never be going to again, so all the planning is trashed now.. The gate's closed. I chalk it up to just so happens.. Just so happens. My luck and all.
So I asked myself.. why do I even try? I mean really, why? Why even bother trying to go to cons when 90% of the times I've tried, I've felt either emotionally beat down, discouraged or just outright can't go due to this fucked up phobia.. I mean it's like... either it's some dramasplosion, anxiety, and/or this whole being in a huge place with high ceilings..
Maybe it's a sign. I don't know, maybe i'm too tired to be writing such a journal. It's been a long weekend, it's late and I'm just really fucking depressed about this.